Missives from D.C., the the land land of of double double speak speak.
Arby's introduces a burger that gays, hippies and liberals need not order (though we'll still pay disporportionately for the triple bypasses it'll induce in Omaha).
Behold: the behemoth, the monster, the eerily-similar-to-a-Simpsons-sketch-from-10-years-ago, the THICKBURGER!
There's only a few things we need to do to win. It's really quite simple:
1. We are now the Party of Jesus. Whether you believe in him or not, he'd be on our side. Jesus could never be as mean and hateful and unloving as a republican. So we're taking him back.
2. We are the Lassez faire party. We think states should stay out of our bedroom. We don't like the federal government telling us who we can and cannot marry, that's Unamerican. You're either with us on this one, or with OSAMA. He's for banning gay marriages, too.
3. Red Staters are not welcome in our cities anymore. Treat them awfully. I mean dismally. They deserve it. We're fine to visit but we need to shut up the rest of the time? That's it Mr. Oklahoma city! No Fine dining for you, no nice haircut, no good music, and your wife gets no manicure, no manolos and no racy lingerie. Want directions? Fine! Keep walking thataway until you reach the bumblefuck you came from. And while you're a guest of us, you'll shut up.
4. We are calling for the destruction of the welfare state! And it starts with the biggest leech on the federal teat: Farm Subsidies. That's right, the billions you get each year (coming disporportionally from Blue states) to keep your miserable fat children fed is getting cut off. Get a real job!
5. Liberalism is hard. It's tough being that fair when everbody else dumps on you. That makes you tough. TOUGH AS NAILS. Want a redneck's respect? Knock his teeth out. Don't let anybody ever use Liberal as a weapon against you again. We are America, for god's sake. We earn a decent wage, pay the lions' share of taxes and do not complain. In fact, we're constantly looking out to help our fellow man. This is our country and we will physically fight for it.
6. Quit whining. We pay the lowest taxes of any first world country, the lowest gas prices, we have the cheapest food and yet people still complain. Pull yourself up from the bootstraps and get your hands dirty, and when a republican complains about activist judges, you shame them. They've got it so easy here, but their lazy asses want more. Chanllenge them! What have they done for America today? America has done plenty for them. Humiliate them for their selfishness and greed. To really do that, you'll have to volunteer so when they counter with "Oh, yeah, what have you done" you can shout back 'I made thanksgiving dinners for people with AIDS, FUCKER!!!!!!"
To quote the great American Patriot Christopher Walken:
It's your life, you gotta do it!"
