Missives from D.C., the the land land of of double double speak speak.
Behold...
Seldon was a man from Wales,
Whose job was door-to-door sales,
He loved the game,
But had to change his name,
Which was originally "Yllanigirosawchihw Enamsihegnahcotdahtubemagethdevoleh
Selasrood-ot-roodsawbojesohwselaw Morf Namasawnodles."
The Mexicans really need some sensitivity training.
This is payback for the flying burrito brothers, isn't it?
From the Bible:
"And Lo, the Archangel Gabriel broke the first seal and prices dropped to unfathomable discounts, and the seas frothed over with 33 cent cans of tuna, and the brain-dead walked the earth in search of 5 dollar 'Armageddon' DVDs and Billionaires fell from the sky.
A decent fella by all rights. Too bad.
You know Kharma is real if the following happens:
Grover Norquist will get a message that the IRS is auditing him, sending him into a state of shock, causing him to drown in a bathtub.
Dick Cheney will discover that the parts in his pacemaker were outsourced to China where a 8 year old boy making 12 cents an hour installed the wires faultily.
Dr. Frist will have a stroke and be in a level 2 coma where all he can still sense is pain, but the twitches an animation make people 'champion' his cause to stay alive and on a feeding tube for 15 years.
Tom Delay will fall down a well and have his testes gnawed off by rats. In order to survive, he'll have to eat those rats.
Ed Gillespie will literally try to hang onto a cliff by the skin of his chinny-chin-chin and plummet into a chasm.
George Bush will have to report back to Alabama/Texas to finish his guard duty and suffer permanent disability when he is accidentally run over by a swift boat. Then he will be forced to rely on VA care.
If even one of those freak accidents happen, I'll convert to Bhuddism.
Yes, yes, I know, it's been a long time. But I'm back, more or less.
Anyway, as we probably all know, 'concerned' parents and plebes from the great state of Kansas have brought back debate on the 'theory' of evolution. Because intelligent design has 'intelligent' in its title, people think they're intelligent if they try and push this crap on the schools. Well, you can debate it all you want, but I have a solution, and it's a simple one.
The main beef from creationists is that evolution is just a 'theory'. Well, they're right, in the sense that scientists believe it to be so (IE: established beyond all doubt as a usable, working model), not a theory like a layman believes (IE: 'I've got a theory that it was sasquatch what tore up your bed o' turnips'). But fine, I'm willing to allow Kansas citizens to abandon the theory of evolution on the grounds that it is unproven science. No recriminations, no debate.
Here's the catch. They must also abandon all other theories. Here's a few Kansans are no longer allowed to use.
The theory of gravity. Yes, Newton's theory is just that, a theory. We cannot technically prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is mass pulling mass in on itself that creates gravity. We're about as sure that's the cause as we are that Australopithecine is our direct ancestor. So no gravity for you. Please spin off the planet at 1,000 miles per hour.
A kansas woman actively proving the theory of gravity by weighing a ton.
Germ theory. Yes all modern medicine is based on the theory that germs directly cause infection and disease. So, if you haven't spun off the planet yet, stop taking your antibiotics, bacitiracin and vitamins. God will protect you.
Arby's introduces a burger that gays, hippies and liberals need not order (though we'll still pay disporportionately for the triple bypasses it'll induce in Omaha).
Behold: the behemoth, the monster, the eerily-similar-to-a-Simpsons-sketch-from-10-years-ago, the THICKBURGER!
There's only a few things we need to do to win. It's really quite simple:
1. We are now the Party of Jesus. Whether you believe in him or not, he'd be on our side. Jesus could never be as mean and hateful and unloving as a republican. So we're taking him back.
2. We are the Lassez faire party. We think states should stay out of our bedroom. We don't like the federal government telling us who we can and cannot marry, that's Unamerican. You're either with us on this one, or with OSAMA. He's for banning gay marriages, too.
3. Red Staters are not welcome in our cities anymore. Treat them awfully. I mean dismally. They deserve it. We're fine to visit but we need to shut up the rest of the time? That's it Mr. Oklahoma city! No Fine dining for you, no nice haircut, no good music, and your wife gets no manicure, no manolos and no racy lingerie. Want directions? Fine! Keep walking thataway until you reach the bumblefuck you came from. And while you're a guest of us, you'll shut up.
4. We are calling for the destruction of the welfare state! And it starts with the biggest leech on the federal teat: Farm Subsidies. That's right, the billions you get each year (coming disporportionally from Blue states) to keep your miserable fat children fed is getting cut off. Get a real job!
5. Liberalism is hard. It's tough being that fair when everbody else dumps on you. That makes you tough. TOUGH AS NAILS. Want a redneck's respect? Knock his teeth out. Don't let anybody ever use Liberal as a weapon against you again. We are America, for god's sake. We earn a decent wage, pay the lions' share of taxes and do not complain. In fact, we're constantly looking out to help our fellow man. This is our country and we will physically fight for it.
6. Quit whining. We pay the lowest taxes of any first world country, the lowest gas prices, we have the cheapest food and yet people still complain. Pull yourself up from the bootstraps and get your hands dirty, and when a republican complains about activist judges, you shame them. They've got it so easy here, but their lazy asses want more. Chanllenge them! What have they done for America today? America has done plenty for them. Humiliate them for their selfishness and greed. To really do that, you'll have to volunteer so when they counter with "Oh, yeah, what have you done" you can shout back 'I made thanksgiving dinners for people with AIDS, FUCKER!!!!!!"
To quote the great American Patriot Christopher Walken:
It's your life, you gotta do it!"
